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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.